$
cat /articles/1.txt
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So... If you're reading this, I'm assuming that you
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either:
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* Clicked the „Mateusz” name on the homepage and
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triggered a secret animation, then clicked the new
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name again, which was a secret link. In this case -
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congrats, you found an easter-egg! You are now
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contractually obliged to read this to the end, else
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you'll be missing crucial context.
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* Are one of my friends, who got sent this from me as
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a link directly. In this case - know that you're
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officially honored as being among the MOST trusted
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people I know. As such, you are allowed to know one
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of my currently deepest-held secrets. The „prelude”
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to said secret would have been revealed to you, if
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you were to click "Mateusz" on homepage, but since
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you got here by a direct link, imma just tell you
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what happens, instead: It would have changed to
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„Lena🏳️‍⚧️?” - and 10ms later, turned into a link
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that redirects here.
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...Or maybe both. You are my friend, who got linked
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here, but not directly. Rather, you were linked to the
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homepage and instructed to click the word „Mateusz”,
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wait for a moment, and click the link that appears. I
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like such little ceremonies/rituals.
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At any rate - you're now here, and (if you happen to
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be a proud owner of a brain) you know already know
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what I'm about to say:
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I am... NOT trans? „huh;what?”
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...Maybe.
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........Or maybe I am.
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There... There is a reason why I put a „?” there.
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I... I really don't know.
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fuck...
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Let's start with what's certain...
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I'm agender. That's... Basically??? sure, by now.
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Not „Basically??? sure”, it's actually 100% confirmed.
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The absolutely gigantic section below (and the intro
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you just read) was written about a year ago
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(2026-1-28, and at the time of writing this, it's
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2026-10-6). I had since gone from „questioning” to
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„Yea... Okay. I'm agender. Aw, shit.”. I also had A
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LOT of time to do more self-exploration, and also
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reflect on myself and the nature of gender as a whole,
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during this time. I was then reminded that this
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article exists, when one of my friends stumbled upon
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it. And then we read this together. And I was fkin
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mortified.
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...So, uhh,... It turns out that I said a lot of
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questionable stuff. Some of them are outdated, some
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are massively irrelevant and kinda rude but I decided
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to yap about them for multiple sentences anyway
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because I'm a hateful bastard, some are worded VERY
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poorly, some stem from a narrower understanding of
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gender I had at the time, and some word choices and
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phrasings are just bad (for example, I was not aware
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of the term Allosexual, so I used "„normal”-sexual"
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(the exact phrase, with those quotes); also, on at
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least 2 separate occasions, I used the phrase „there
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are also some intersex shenanigans”). Also, the whole
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article is just... (very badly formatted, but that's a
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separate problem) Horribly defensive? Like... „Guys, I
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swear, I really am agender; here, look at all the
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random stuff that point towards it!”, and then the
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„proof” that I give is, tbh, not even that compelling
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(Oh My GoD, hOw DaRe A kId HaVe MuLtI-gEnDeReD fRiEnD
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gRoUpS iN kInDeRgArTeN, tHeY gOtTa Be SoMeWhErE oN tHe
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EnBy SpEcTrUm). I had since written down a lot of
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random „Oh, THAT WAS trans af, why was I so unaware
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back then?” moments that I since remembered from my
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childhood, and they'd serve as a much better „proof”
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than whatever I have below.
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...But I will not be sharing them! Because, for real,
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why the hell would I? I do not owe any random internet
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bozo who happens to stumble upon this article, any
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explanation whatsoever. If you don't believe me, you
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probably won't no matter what I do. If you want to
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believe me, but don't even know what agender is, then
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please look up a better source. Letting
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whatever-I-have-below be used as a guide will probably
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serve as a huge disservice to the entire queer
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community, so please don't use it as a guide. And if
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you know what agender is, and believe me, you probably
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don't need any proofs.
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With that said, I hate withholding public information
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(TODO: make an article one day about my moderation
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principles), and since the outdated section below was
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once public, I'm keeping it (so some „proof”, however
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bad, still remains, if you really care). I initially
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wanted to reform it (at least add line breaks because
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HOLY WORD-SALAD! and fix some terms (a couple of
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pronouns here and there; stop using the words/phrases
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I mentioned earlier)), but after seeing how long and
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windy the whole text is, I really lost all will to do
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so. The only 2 things that I should clarify are:
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* The Poet (you'll be introduced to this character
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later) has since come out as just a trans man, so
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he's no longer agender. He also goes - as you may
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guess from me using this pronoun twice - by he/him
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now, although I opted against fixing the pronouns in
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the section below, for fear that I'd miss some, and
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only cause confusion. I thinks it's safer to just
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state this fact upfront and leave
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mentally-remapping-any-theys-to-hes to the reader.
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* The outdated section is only the one until the next
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yellow marking. I have appended more information
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after it. As such, this little section you're reding
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right now isn't „just the whole article, but
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condensed to a "TLDR: I'm agender"; feel free to
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skip everything else”, but rather a sort-of
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„extended intro”, and if you don't want to miss
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anything (as a reminder: in the intro, you
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contractually obliged yourself to read everything),
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you should AT LEAST scroll past this difficult
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section to the next yellow section marker. Ideally,
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I'd love if - despite all the shitty formatting and
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all the bad wording - you still read through it (but
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take everything I say with several barrels of salt!)
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rather than just scrolling past it, but I recognize
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this may be difficult to some. Anyway, onto my
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agenderness:
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I first got familiarized with this concept by a person
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who only goes by „The Poet” on a certain Discord
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server. I noticed they had „agender” mentioned in
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their bio, got curious, and asked them.
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This was during my own period of exploration (ie. by
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the time when I already came to the conclusion that I
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MIGHT be trans), so I was willing to accept that,
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whatever he* (*not sure; I vaguely remember that
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something changed in that department, but I wasn't on
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that Discord for a while, so idk) might say, will
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actually apply to me in some way. Especially because
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it already sounded like it could. „Agender”... „A”, as
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in none? So... No gender at all? Nope; zero; nada?
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Kinda like pan - but not related to sexuality? Now
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wait a hot-dang minute, that sounds really useful!
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For some extra context about that „pan” thing: I
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always kinda understood pansexuality, and even to some
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extent related to that label, but at the same time, it
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seemed like utter nonsense (and also entirely
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unrelatable) to me. The part of me that related,
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basically thought: „Well... Gender, as a concept, is
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kinda pointless. It's basically a "macro" to someone's
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pronouns and what genitals they have (with a "trans,
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but not willing to have bottom surgery"-shaped caveat
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- which, btw, seems somewhat stupid, but that'll be
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discussed later in this article), or will eventually
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have (in case of pre-surgery (but otherwise willing to
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take it) trans ppl)", and all the extra stuff that we
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attach to it (like: how would someone dress, how are
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they supposed to behave and carry themselves, how much
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and what type of intelligence should we expect from
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them, or (God-forbid; that's the worst of them all)
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what hobbies they have and what should they like) are
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just toxic stereotypes that we attach to people
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unfairly, usually "just because others do it", or in
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active attempts to maliciosly control the population
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(eg. how Christians hate women - yes, I know, in
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modern times this is LESS of a problem (Salem Witch
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Trials are thankfully over), but don't pretend that
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it's not a thing that still happens). Any and all
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connections are made-up, and even the genital-pronoun
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connection is only an artifact of an earlier phase of
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language development (although some languages are
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still stuck in that phase - notably, Polish, where
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there is no genderless way to say many things). The
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only logical conclusion is that one shouldn't "see"
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gender at all, which is what pansexuals usually say
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about themselves. And also that I say about myself,
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hence it felt somewhat relatable.”. What I'm basically
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implying there is that everyone is pansexual, but some
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people don't know it because they're too stuck in some
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stupid gender wars on Twitter, in HR, and anywhere
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else, to notice that they're fighting a fight over
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something that doesn't even exist in any meaningful
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way. Well - that's where the „it [pansexuality] seemed
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like utter nonsense” stance comes in. Because if
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everyone is pan, then... Why is this even a category
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of queerness in the 1st place? What point could there
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possibly be in having a label that encompasses „any
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human”? Well - obviously - it's because it's
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panSEXUALITY! In other words, not only does being pan
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say „I can't see gender!”, but it automatically
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implies that you're also willing to fuck people with
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both types of genitals (remember: I just stated that
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my view of gender is „a "macro" to genitals+pronouns”,
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and because pronouns have no reason to change your
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preferences, then differences about sexuality must
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surely boil down to whether one prefers a dick or a
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hole - or both/none), which may not be the case for
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everyone. But... That'd be bi, right? And because
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bisexuals are already queers, then - surely - there is
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no way that they wouldn't be „enlightened” into
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knowing that gender isn't real. But that's what
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pansexuals are for! So then... Why do bi people exist,
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in this case??? It's always one or the other, man! One
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has to go. In a world where gender doesn't exist at
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all (outside of being a macro for 2 mostly unrelated
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things), there is absolutely no difference between a
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pan and a bisexual - and so only one should remain
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because it's impractical to have two labels for the
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same thing. ...Said „thing” being „will sleep with
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both a sausage and a "kitty"”. Which is also why I
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couldn't apply the pansexual label to myself, as
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decisively a sausage-disliker. Which would make me
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straight, then, I guess? But that loses some important
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bits of context. First of all, I don't entirely think
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that I'm „normal”-sexual (normal in this case would be
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the opposite of asexuality, aroaceism, and other stuff
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like that - but that's a topic for a different
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article). Second of all, I don't get a special badge
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that says „Hey, look! I'm one of the smart ones! I
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know that gender isn't real!” (even if this is
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entirely what I think), as pansexuals do. Third of
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all, I'm SPECIFICALLY a sausage-disliker. I couldn't
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care less about whatever the sausage is attached to.
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In other words: I wouldn't smash a transfem, if she
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were pre-op (I probably would be able to date one,
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just „No sex before surgery!” - tho I wouldn't date
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her, if she wasn't gonna get one at all). It gets more
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difficult with transmascs, but if we ignore all of
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that „I don't entirely think that I'm
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"normal"-sexual”-stuff - then yea, I absolutely would
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fuck a pre-op trans guy! Hell, I even know which one!
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One of my (transmasc) IRL friends is HOT AF - tho I'm
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sure there are more examples. The problem is that this
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isn't what „straight” seems to mean anymore! Quite the
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opposite: if you want to be seen as a „good ally”,
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then you're expected to only look at the preferred
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gender, not the pants, when picking people who align
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with your heterosexuality (or your homosexuality - but
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then we're not talking about being a „good ally”
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anymore, rather „good representation”, due to the fact
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that homosexuals aren't queer allies, but simply
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queers directly). For these 3 reasons, I always hated
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being asked about my sexuality. I'd usually just dodge
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the question, begrudgingly say „straight” (and pray
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that no-one's really paying attention too much), or
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give the whole statement about being specifically a
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„sausage-hater”, while praying that I won't be called
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a bigot (which thankfully doesn't happen too often,
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and instead I get laughed at, as in: „bro's scared of
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dicks”).
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But this article is about my gender, not my sexuality.
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And in terms of gender - well, there are some
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problems. Mainly, my entire „gender is just a macro”
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philosophy doesn't work IRL. As much as I always
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thought that „anything else we associate with gender -
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how would someone dress, how are they supposed to
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behave and carry themselves, how much and what type of
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intelligence should we expect from them, or
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(God-forbid; that's the worst of them all) what
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hobbies they have and what should like” are just
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stereotypes that were CREATED from thin air (Okay,
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maybe not „thin air” - they probably have SOME roots
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in tribal culture and stuff like that, but SURELY that
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has no place in the modern world?) and everyone for
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some reason (Okay, there is a reason - it's because
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they're drilled into us from they day we're born.)
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fell for it, like some kind of global psy-op. But the
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crushing reality is that they weren't created, they
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were EARNED. Stereotypes don't come from nowhere - and
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research seems to strongly show that there really IS
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some fundamental biological difference between the
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brain of a man and a woman. Of course, that doesn't
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mean that we should treat these stereotypes as The
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Gospel. People are many and varied. Just because ON
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AVERAGE men will do/prefer/say one thing and women
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will do/prefer/say a different thing - doesn't mean
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that EVERY man will do/prefer/say one thing and EVERY
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woman will do/prefer/say a different thing. Averages
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are just that: Averages. They take cases from both
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sides and try to find the middle-ground, but that
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doesn't mean that everyone sits in that middle-ground.
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I mean... Femboys exist, right? If every man was
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„meant” not to like skirts, then there would be no
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femboys. The same thing will apply to literally every
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value we associate with gender. Yes, there are some
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common trends - and yes, there will be outliers. The
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key thing to understand here, however, is that these
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„common trends” don't happen because we, the „blank
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slates”, were fed gendered propaganda from the very
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young age (from toy colors to hair length) and we keep
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being fed it for the rest of our lives (although that
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indubitably IS a factor) - but rather that there are
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some basic biological differences between how (on
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average) brains of the members of a given gender will
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work, compared to the opposite gender. Okay, but what
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are said „biological differences” in the brain?
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Well... I recently stumbled upon a study that
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concluded, that on CT scans men and women (we're
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talking about preferred gender here, by the way - they
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tested both cis and trans people, with the latter on
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various stages of HRT) had completely different areas
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of the brain active, even though they were thinking
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about the same thing and/or solving the same problem
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(oh, btw: enbies showed a mix of both types of
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activity patterns). Again: That was on a CT scan - a
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cold and unbiased machine. So we're talking about
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something that cannot be faked or skewed by anyone's
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internal bias - not just another „Oh, hey, we tested
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the spatial awareness of men and women and found out
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that the latter has worse!”, which could still be
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explained by social preconditioning (if you hear
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enough jokes about how you're supposed to be bad with
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directions - you may eventually internalize it).
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Anyway... Finding out about that study - broke me. My
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entire philosophy was crushed in an instant. „So it
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really seems like we're not a blank-slate, huh? There
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is some fundamental difference, after all.”
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(Side-note: I actually heard of similar study in the
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past, where they chopped of the dick of an infant (it
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was a result of some medical accident) and instead of
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trying to recover from that incident, they forced him
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to live as a girl - anyway, he apparently hated his
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girl-life VERY much and later (de?)transitioned into a
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man. That equally points at some fundamental
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brain-level differences (born with a man-brain = will
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always be a man), but I guess my brain pushed that out
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of my memory because it didn't fit my view of reality,
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and I only now remembered about it again. I also heard
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similar things mentioned in school (about some basic
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differences between girls and boys), but I always
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dismissed them as simple ramblings of a bigoted
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teacher (in fairness, she was a J.K. Rowling simp, so
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I'm not exactly wrong on the „bigoted” part) and/or
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oversimplifications done for the sake of fitting into
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a 3 short paragraphs of an English book.) Anyway...!
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But... If there really are some fundamental
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differences, then... WHY CAN'T I SEE THEM AT ALL?
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That's right, we're finally back on track! So... I
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cannot see gender differences. At all. From a very
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young age (we're talking, like... Kindergarten to
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early primary school, so about 3-12), they always
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seemed pointless. Like... As a kid, I was basically
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into any kind of toys/shows/plays, regardless of what
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gender they were „meant” for. An RC car or a
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helicopter? Fuck yea! They're so cool (tho I had a
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habit of crashing the chopper). My Little Pony? I used
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to GOBBLE ts up! Would always watch it in the evening;
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had a complete cast of mini-figurines. I didn't really
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possess any other girl-targeted toys (dolls, etc.), if
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I recall correctly, but I generally enjoyed playing
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with them whenever I was playing with other girls from
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my class. Which - yea, speaking of that: I had mosty
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mix-gendered friendships in that period. Not like „I
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always got along with girls better”, as some transfems
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will say; it's more like „I got along with both quite
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well as a young kid”. Which was quite odd, as the norm
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at that time was usually girls vs boys. Like...
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Classrooms would be physically split across an
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invisible gender divider (not by the teachers, or
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anything, just by people organically clustering with
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the same gender), and there would usually not be too
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much interaction across that „iron curtain” (Btw, that
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„iron curtain”'s existence also made no sense to me as
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a kid. I was completely unable to understand why we
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would be doing that, but I still „went along with the
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flow” without questioning it. Actually, THIS is
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probably the key takeaway from this „as a kid...”
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section. Not that I preferred some toys, or with whom
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I was friends with. I mean... That CAN and DOES
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happen, probably somewhat often. I don't think this
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implies any sort of un-cis-ness on its own. Rather,
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it's the fact that the division that seemed completely
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natural, logical, and essentially subconscious to
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everyone in my class - simultaneously made absolutely
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zero sense and felt entirely forced to my simple kid
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brain, that (after all) wasn't yet able to do any
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complex analysis of gender and everything, and was too
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going by what felt „natural”). Same on breaks (I think
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Americans say „recess” instead of „breaks”, but I
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shall keep using local terminology): small clusters of
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boys and girls (independently) would form, and usually
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there wouldn't be a lot of migration between those.
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Really, the only situation where there would be
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girls-boys interaction would be during PE, when (for
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the sake of convenience, I guess?) team games would be
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„the boy team” and „the girl team” competing against
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each other. And that interaction isn't exactly
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friendship-building, given how we're literally
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supposed to be rivals in a competition, not buddies.
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So - yea, my mix-gendered friendships were pretty
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unusual! (At least in my environment - maybe other
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schools were different, I don't know.) Tho
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unfortunately, most of them fell apart due to school
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transfers (Like... Literally, man! Every feminine
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friends circle that I was a part of during primary
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school, would always end after a year, because all the
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girls kept switching schools.), leaving me with a
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masculine friend circle for later parts of primary
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school (by which I mean 10-14 - yes, I know, there's
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an overlap; the line is kinda blurry). I mean... I
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managed to build some decent friendships with new
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girls (that kept transferring in - yes, the switching
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was bi-directional, apparently), but you can't exactly
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compete with friends who were there from the start.
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Also, by this time, the „girls vs boys war” was
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basically over, as my classmates got more mature and
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more interested in dating and stuff (I'm not counting
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myself in that because, as established, I never
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comprehended that war in the first place). So these
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new mix-gendered friendships that I had were no longer
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unusual, and as such - the late primary school period
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isn't exactly worth dwelling on (at least not yet - it
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will be relevant later because it also featured some
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gender-related trauma). Neither are highschool, nor
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uni - because by that time, my opinion was no longer
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shaped by observing general trends at school (like the
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„iron curtain”), but rather by reading/seeing stuff
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online and/or by agreeing/arguing with my friends.
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Speaking of online: Another part of that me „not
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seeing gender” is how I look at
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masculinity/femininity. And by that, I mean: I see -
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and possess - none. All those manosphere figures like
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Andrew Tate and the like never made any sense to me. I
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just couldn't relate to anyone who dwells so much on
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„masculinity” (talks about „domination”,
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„something-maxxxing”, etc., like they are, for
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whatever reason, men-only concepts) because I always
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thought it's made up. Like... I'd look at a clip of
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him saying something and just get... sad. My only
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thought would be „Nooooo! Why would he be driving the
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wedge between men and women? Aren't we all the same?”.
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It felt like the stupid „girls vs boys war” rhetoric
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from primary school, but for some reason spoken by a
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grown-ass man. ...Or a woman! Yes, here's the fun
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part: It's not just the manosphere. I had the same
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thoughts - EXACT same, 1:1 - about feminists. Every
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bit of disappointment that I felt for Tate, I equally
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felt for any random feminist that'd pop up on my
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YouTube feed. They were both sides of the same stupid
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„masculinity/feminity”-driven debate, even though (as
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I used to think) neither concept actually exists, and
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both are merely tools for control. I mean... I felt
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less resentment towards feminists because their
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motives at least seemed more genuine. Whereas
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manosphere commentators were very obvious
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manipulators, trying to trick you into buying their
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courses, books, camps, and other GAY-AF! shit that's
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somehow supposed to make you more attractive to women,
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but is always a scam - feminists just seemed
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misguided. Someone who got stuck in the past, back
_
when fighting for women's rights (specifically) was
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still needed, instead of looking at the present, where
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we should be fighting for ABSOLUTE unity between
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genders, not be wasting our time on some „silly social
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constructs” like „femininity” or „(toxic)
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masculinity”. (Yes, I know, achieving that „ABSOLUTE
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unity” would STILL include fixing some „women rights”
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issues that feminists advocate for (like pay gaps,
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rapes, etc.) but I'm talking about the underlying
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cause of this advocacy (advocating for the wrong thing
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(„women rights”) rather than specifically „equality”),
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not specific policy proposals.) By the way, this
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extends beyond just the manosphere-feminist question
_
and affects any kind of situation where a seemingly
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pointless gender divide is present. For example, I
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find women-only groups on Facebook (like the
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popular-in-Poland „Baby bez Taboo”) to be somewhat
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stupid. Both from a security standpoint (I mean...
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Literally any guy can make a fake-woman profile.) and
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„ideological” (again: WHY are we dividing ourselves
_
again)? Or when figures like Dr K say
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something-something-„masculinity” I just kinda roll my
_
eyes (because why would he be trying to make some
_
piece of advice, that could work great for everyone,
_
look like something for men only? Or make a universal
_
problem seem like a men-only problem? I mean... Yea,
_
know-your-audience and whatever - but it was always
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kinda disappointing to hear a trained psychiatrist
_
propagate the lie about genders being different.) -
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even tho I like him, overall. By the way, this is
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basically the 3rd time in my life I'm ever saying this
_
(and - actually - the 1st time I ever said this
_
without „toning it down”, ie. said „feminists”
_
directly (not „those crazy
_
"blue-hair-with-pronouns"-type feminists on Xitter”,
_
as I usually would) or contrasted them directly with
_
manosphere figures, instead of trying to emphasize the
_
difference between them.) because I generally don't
_
want to come of as bigoted. Anyway! Speaking of stuff
_
that's gonna come of as bigoted (ye, that whole
_
previous sentence basically only exists because I
_
needed a segue, lol): My lack of gender perception
_
also extends to any kind of... Transitioned-into
_
genders!? „*gasp!* Oh no, does it mean that I secretly
_
hate some ~30% of my IRL friends?” No, of course not.
_
Let me explain this. Reminder: My view on gender is
_
(or at least used to be) that it's basically a macro
_
to pronouns and pants. Under that framework, there is
_
essentially no such thing as a „binary”. A better
_
scale would be a „gender ternary”, if anything. With a
_
male („he/his/him” and a member; optionally expandable
_
to „they/their/them” (on top of baseline pronouns) and
_
a Promise<member> - and yes, I did just use JS (for
_
anyone who can't read it: a Promise is a special
_
return type that basically says „this function is
_
still running, but we returned from it earlier - once
_
it properly finishes, however, its return value (that
_
currently is just this very promise) will transform
_
into something of whatever type is inside of <>, in a
_
process known as "promise resolution"”) to denote
_
gender (in this case, this can be read as „has a dick
_
now, or wants to have one in the future”), lol),
_
female („she/her/her” and a vag; optionally expandable
_
to „they/their/them” (on top of baseline pronouns) and
_
a Promise<vag>) and „advanced options” (custom
_
pronouns; anything you want in your pants, so both
_
Promises and „direct returns” (JS analogies
_
continue...) are allowed, and even some intersex
_
shenanigans). Just to be clear, this is not how I
_
„fundamentally” view gender (my fundamental view is
_
that I don't see it at all); it's more like „If gender
_
has to exist in our world, then I guess I'm content
_
with this form of simplification of it.”, mainly
_
because these are the 2 only płeć-related (*płeć is
_
the Polish word for both sex and gender) bits of
_
information that I could ever possibly need about a
_
person (pronouns for, well, basic communications and
_
the pants-content due to my sexuality, which (to
_
remind you) is officially „anyone goes, just don't
_
have a dick in your pants”), while everything else can
_
just be learned through interaction. And yes, I
_
understand that it may seem somewhat weird that I'd
_
care about things related to sexuality in, like...
_
EVERY context ever. After all, it might by
_
impossible/unethical to romantically pursue some
_
people for other reasons than just them being of an
_
„incompatible” gender. They could be already married
_
or otherwise taken, or the context itself could be
_
inappropriate for dating (eg. at some workplaces), or
_
you could even be of an „incompatible” gender to them.
_
But all of that assumes that I want to know
_
sexuality-related stuff purely for dating. The reality
_
is that I want to know that, well... Simply because
_
everyone else does! Like... If we assume that a
_
typical straight/gay person, in this day and age,
_
cares about „presented” gender, then - just by looking
_
at the pronouns - they'll instantly know if, at the
_
very least, they're compatible with that person. It's
_
not much (as I already said, there are other factors
_
that may render romantic pursuit impossible), but it
_
is SOMETHING. And I'm, meanwhile, left in the dark
_
completely. So basically, I'm just... Jealous of
_
people with „simpler” sexualities, I guess. Arrghhh,
_
I'm talking about sexuality again! Back on topic: This
_
gender „ternary” mental framework (because that's all
_
this is, btw: a mental framework - I KNOW that gender
_
is „supposed to” be something else, I just cannot and
_
will probably never feel it internally, so I developed
_
an approximation that works well enough for what I
_
need) kinda causes some problems for certain kinds of
_
trans people. First or all, enbies (which - sidenote -
_
I don't understand (even accounting for the
_
„imaginary” part of gender) why are they considered
_
trans, as to me the word „trans” directly implies a
_
binary action, ie. transitioning from one state to
_
another, whereas the whole point of being an enby is
_
to explicitly NOT be a part of this binary „state
_
machine” at all). There are a lot of problems with
_
them. For starters, it's the fact that some of them
_
will be incompatible with the Polish language. Those
_
who only set „they/them” and/or "it" as pronouns,
_
without any „classical” ones as fallback (tho,
_
thankfully, all those who I know IRL - do, so I don't
_
have any negativity towards them) for languages that
_
weren't „updated” to support this „newer spec” yet (to
_
say nothing about those who only set some xenopronouns
_
that ONLY work with English and cannot even be
_
translated to, let alone expressed in, any other
_
language, even if its pronoun system should be
_
compatible with English). There is, quite literally,
_
zero support for this in the Polish language and it'll
_
either sound completely artificial (in case of
_
„them”), or you'd be straight-up making up verbs to
_
convey basic things (in case of „it”). This, btw, is
_
entirely unrelated to my perception of gender (or lack
_
thereof) and how it affect enbies, I just thought that
_
if I'm about to say something that's guaranteed to
_
piss them off, I might as well rip the band-aid off
_
and say everything I think about them. Speaking of
_
things that'll piss them off: The really spicy bit is
_
related to where I place them on the „gender ternary”.
_
You'd expect them to be placed under „advanced
_
options”, but, uhh... That depends! If they DO have
_
„fallback pronouns”, and those fallback pronouns
_
happen to align with their „genital-derived” gender (I
_
mean... Technically „birth-assigned” could fit here,
_
but I can imagine some weird edge cases (eg. medical
_
error, various intersex situations), where
_
birth-assigned wouldn't be the same as
_
„genital-derived”), then they technically go in the
_
„male/female” (depending on their pronouns and
_
„stuff”) category, functionally rejecting their
_
nonbinarity in the 1st place. That doesn't, in any
_
way, make invalidate their nonbinarity in my eyes.
_
After all, the only person who decides whether someone
_
is non-binary or not - is that very person itself.
_
Whatever stupid „gender ternary” mental shortcut I
_
use, couldn't possibly change that, and I am not
_
trying to. I'd basically just see them as a kind of
_
„non-binary man/woman”. Which SOUNDS incredibly stupid
_
and (as I already said earlier) will certainly piss
_
some enbies off (most will valiantly reject any
_
gender-genital association), but in fairness - I have
_
seen some enbies do this form of dual-labelling, so at
_
least I haven't just committed a hate crime against
_
all them by saying this, only some, I guess. That's
_
something! Anyway, this entire „conflict” stems from
_
the fact that I'm trying to assign a non-binary person
_
onto some sort of a binary (or, ternary in this case,
_
ig) system, even though the very idea of being
_
non-binary is that you're, well, NOT on a BINARY. Not
_
that you don't see it at all - you do; you know that
_
some sort of a spectrum IS there, you know that most
_
people are gonna be close to one or the other side of
_
it, hence a binary of sort is formed. But you just
_
happen to be closer to the center, hence NOT on that
_
binary. And this was, for the longest time, the source
_
of some resentment I felt towards enbies. They fully
_
acknowledge the binary, but willingly „escape” it. I
_
couldn't see it at all. „Oh, great! So you escaped
_
something that DOESN'T EXIST. Fkin... Congrats! What
_
next, daringly breaking through the confines of a...
_
spray-painted circle? wow, so brave indeed” is how I
_
felt. In retrospect, I now understand that these
_
feelings were unjustified. Just because I can't see
_
the binary, doesn't mean it's the same (or „should be”
_
the same) for everyone. So - just to be clear - I no
_
longer feel any resentment towards enbies. (Okay,
_
maybe some mild language-related annoyance - please,
_
guys, have some fallback pronouns with broad compat,
_
seriously pls.) Now... Whether they feel any
_
resentment towards me, for all that „non-binary
_
man/woman” thing, is a whole different story. Some
_
will, I'm sure. If you're among that group; if you're
_
an enby, and you are offended by how I classify you,
_
then please do know that I mean no harm to you or your
_
community. All that „ternary” stuff is but an
_
oversimplified mental model, that serves me a very
_
particular, practical purpose (of telling me what
_
pronouns to use „at a glance” - and also whether I can
_
date a person, ie. they „map to” „female” or a
_
schlong-less case of „advanced options”), and I am in
_
no way advocating for it to become a standard way of
_
classifying people. Yes, this internal representation
_
may „leak” into the outer word on occasion (for
_
example, I may refer to a „non-binary man/woman” as
_
just a „man/woman” (of course, only in conversations
_
with people who don't know them, while they're not
_
present) for the sake of simplicity, if I don't find
_
the information that they're non-binary relevant to
_
the context), but these are merely exceptions to a
_
rule and are in no way meant to be taken as me
_
dismissing someone's identity. Second of all (yes, all
_
previous 5195 characters were just enby-related
_
problems; there's an entire second part): trans people
_
unwilling to go through surgery. This case is simple:
_
No surgery - then you're an „advanced options”-type
_
person in my eyes. Keep in mind that this distinction
_
is once again purely practical (ONLY for dating in
_
this case (more specifically, I would not smash a
_
non-surgery transfem (and if she never wants to have
_
one, then I wouldn't date her, either, since as part
_
of that „I don't entirely think that I'm
_
"normal"-sexual”-stuff, I wouldn't date a person if
_
there was no hope for ever having sexual intimacy),
_
and while I could, technically, smash a pre-op trans
_
guy, this gets difficult when we consider that the „no
_
dating without intimacy” goes both ways („no sex
_
without being together”), and I'd avoid dating a
_
transmasc if I knew he's gonna become unfuckable at
_
some point (ie. he wants a surgery - which is not what
_
this sentence (yes, sentence - we're technically still
_
in a big „()”-block) is supposed to be about (it's
_
explicity for anti-surgery trans ppl), but I may as
_
well mention it for completeness sake), and while I
_
have no problem with a trans guy who swear to never
_
pull a phalloplasty, I'm not really counting this as a
_
likely possibility, as I don't think HE would be ever
_
comfortable with a person, who (without him having
_
that surgery) will never quite mentally map him as
_
just a man, but rather always as some kind of
_
„advanced options” being, whatever that might be), as
_
one of those „options” is the ability to pick your
_
pronouns) and isn't meant to be used as any kind tool
_
of discrimination or invalidation against anyone.
_
Like... YES, technically, within that mental framework
_
- they're not „a real *insert preferred gender*”. But
_
they're also NOT just a member of their birth-assigned
_
gender. It's not like what some transphobes will say,
_
like „Ohhh, you'll NEVER be a real woman! It's the
_
bones, chromosomes, or... fkin God, apparently.” - and
_
then in practice they mean „You're a man!” and will
_
continue to treat you like a man (I put this through a
_
transfem lenses because haven't really seen anyone do
_
this with transmascs, but you get the idea). No - in
_
my case it'd be „by this very specific definition, you
_
don't fit the criteria for neither a man nor a woman
_
(but that doesn't mean that I won't treat you like
_
one, if you want me to)”. Again: „by this very
_
specific definition”. If we drop all the layers of
_
mental gymnastics, then (in my eyes) you're... Still
_
not a real [insert preferred gender]? „Huh? Wait, so
_
am I a transphobe, after all?” Of course not! Well,
_
guess what!? NOBODY IS A MEMBER OF ANY GENDER
_
(preferred or not) to me! Even the manliest cis-het
_
man on Earth, peak masculinity, would still be „I
_
dunno... Just a person, I guess!” because I just
_
cannot FEEL it. From anyone! Cis, trans, man, woman...
_
It feels the same! The only difference, as far as I'm
_
concerned, is date-ability and how I shall call a
_
person, but both of these can be changed functionally
_
on a whim (one with modern medicine, the other with a
_
simple „Please use...”) and are in no way fundamental
_
to a person. Meanwhile, the thing that's SUPPOSEDLY
_
fundamental; the gender that comes from your brain...
_
I've never seen it coming off of anyone at all, ever.
_
And critically - I've never seen it on myself, as
_
well. „Anyone” here includes me. I feel zero internal
_
drive towards my supposed „masculinity” AT THIS TIME.
_
I used to, during a certain period (of about 10-14yo),
_
have some slight „masculine flashes” in my head
_
triggered by certain things, but that might be related
_
to some gender-related trauma during primary school
_
(the one that I mentioned somewhere above). Meanwhile,
_
at the time of writing this, I seem to be going
_
through a „femininity” supernova (not just a simple
_
flash). But on a long time scale, it really seems like
_
it all balances out into me experiencing zero gender
_
altogether. Like... If I one day woke up in a
_
fully-female body, I'd probably be somewhat confused
_
(not by my new gender, but by „HOW? is this even
_
scientifically possible??? WTF!?”), but otherwise as
_
content as ever (or, at least, as content as I was up
_
until recently); no dysphoria or anything. I'd just
_
carry on my day-to-day life as Lena from now on (tho
_
explaining that to anyone would be difficult, so maybe
_
I'd only explain this to my parents and then just fake
_
being my own sister to everyone else instead?), like
_
nothing happened. Like, say, there was no gender to
_
begin with? No-gender? Oh, my dear.....
_
That's, like... The definition of agender! (Oh my God,
_
I finally escaped that 21259chr-long Chungusoid of a
_
paragraph, yaayyy!!!) I AM agender. That's a FACT. I'm
_
unable to see gender, at all. Not just in the context
_
of dating (like a pansexual would, as explained in the
_
1st long-boi paragraph), not just „Oh, she simply
_
doesn't know what gender is! Thinks that gender and
_
sex are the same thing, what an idiot!” (as explained
_
in the 2nd paragraph (tho it seems like my formatter
_
blended it with the 1st one and I can't be bothered to
_
untangle this), I do have CONCEPTUAL awareness of
_
gender (It's some fundamentally brain-driven (both
_
„learned” (through stereotypes and societal
_
indoctrination) and biologically tied to its function
_
(usually along biological sex lines, but not always,
_
as „outliers” (ie. trans people) exist), as seen by CT
_
scans) experience that makes you behave/act/think/etc.
_
in a certain way that's distinct from the people of
_
different gender than yours, but (on average) similar
_
to other people of your gender), but I just struggle
_
to relate to any kind of gender experience that most
_
people seem to have; any and all gender-sex relations
_
formed, are just meaningless mental shortcuts (the
_
whole „gender ternary” model or the „macro to
_
pronouns+bottoms”, which really is a part of that
_
model) or artifacts of the Polish language (only one
_
word, „płeć”) and don't affect how I overall perceive
_
gender) - no! It's something different. Something that
_
runs much deeper; probably resides at the same
_
low-level brain bits as gender itself. It's some
_
complete and fundamental inability to spiritually
_
comprehend any „genderations” (be it gendered dating
_
preferences, places, objects, shows, activities,
_
stereotypes, your own attachment to your gender, or
_
anything else) even if I have a conceptual
_
understanding of them, that leads me to seeing all of
_
them as simply „pointlessly gendered” (as explained in
_
the humongous 21259chr-long monster above - and also
_
by other beliefs I hold (eg. on how all gendered
_
bathrooms should be abolished COMPLETELY - no bs
_
„bathroom choice” compromise or „bathroom bans”
_
tyrany, that serve exactly nobody and manages to just
_
perfectly annoy everyone - make them all unisex
_
entirely and see how much easier it is) and I wanted
_
to put there but the paragraph got so long in was
_
breaking VSCode in numerous ways lol, so I couldn't),
_
even if everyone tries to tell me how good segregation
_
in this case actually is, and how „A man simply won't
_
get it”, even though it seems like every man I know
_
DOES get it, and I'm the ONLY one who's always
_
confused! Well, would you look at that: Maybe that's
_
because I'm no „man” and I'm instead actually agender!
_
That, seriously, explains everything! I have never
_
encountered a label - of any kind, not just queer -
_
that seemed to describe me so well, yet so simply.
_
(Ok, that's a lie. There was one more, once - and
_
that's „integration nerd”.) Thank you so much, Poet,
_
for explaining it to me. And thanks to Kanciarz (this
_
character wasn't mentioned yet - but if he ever reads
_
this, he'll know that I'm talking about him, and
_
that's all that matters) for giving me those „Agender
_
Thigh-highs” on GhostLand (a Minecraft SMP, for the
_
uninitiated). You probably didn't realize how
_
validating those were and just gave me a random item
_
you didn't need, but it truly made my day.
_
Anyway... I'm agender, so... Now what? Well... It all
_
kinda boils-down to what I do about it, right? Do I
_
scream it from the rooftops; announce this to all my
_
friends; proudly display it on my homepage? Do I just
_
stay quiet and low-profile, as I always had, with
_
literally any gender-related take? (Actually... Maybe
_
I was always quiet about gender because I just
_
couldn't ever understand it on a „spiritual” level,
_
due to my agenderness - not because „I was scared of
_
being controversial”, like I always thought?) I
_
mean... Being agender isn't the same being eg. trans,
_
where you by definition have to go public with it at
_
some point (the, you know, actual TRANSition). It
_
doesn't affect me in my day-to-day life: If we were to
_
consult my own gender ternary, then... I still use
_
„he/his/him” (just for convenience: I look mostly like
_
a boy, still, so people will naturally use them - so
_
even if I honest-to-God don't care what pronouns one
_
uses on me, is there any reason to „artificially”
_
point it out?) and happen to be in possession of a
_
„cannon”. So, I guess that makes me an „agender man”?
_
If so, I suppose I can just keep the „man” part
_
public-facing, and leave the „agender” as an extra
_
quirk of my being, for those who care enough to look
_
here. Will I? idk. Truth be told, I really do not
_
know! This is all very weird and also kinda scary.
_
Also exciting. And also made extra-difficult by a
_
certain elephant in the room:
_
_
I could also just be trans.
_
Yep. That throws a spanner in the works! The specifics
_
of this shall be addressed in a later update to this
_
post because I spent 2 days on that 1st half and I'm
_
FUCKING EXHAUSTED.
_
_
Wowuhhh..., that... That sure was an break of all
_
time!
_
Exhausted for 8 months straight? Daymmm...
_
Jk, I wanted to update this for a very long time. I
_
just didn't have the tooling (my Go-based
_
generator-template-engine-thing for this site was
_
really not good for long texts, but I since rewrote it
_
in Rust (TODO: make an article about this) and I can
_
now express myself much more freely (most importantly,
_
I can freely wrap any text in HTML tags, which is
_
actually something that I couldn't do before and I had
_
to choose between manually line-wrapping a given
_
paragraph, or having very restricted formatting
_
options), although this comes at a slight cost of this
_
new generator being quite a bit slower; I could
_
probably optimize it with multithreading, tho, once I
_
get more proficient in Rust). So, anyway... What did I
_
learn during all this time?
_
Well, first of all, I'm a dumbass. I already said in
_
the intro that I the section you just
_
read/scrolled-passed has a lot stuff
_
worded/said/explained/etc. very poorly, and I won't be
_
repeating that „listing of wrong things that I said”
_
(if you need a refresher, see the intro). However I'd
_
still like to touch up on what's probably the greatest
_
sin of all in that old segment (and wasn't addressed
_
in the intro particularly well): I got the nature of
_
gender itself wrong. I framed it as something
_
biological, and I referred to various studies that
_
confirm that, indeed, a person's gender can be
_
directly observed in their brain's biology (via CT
_
scans and stuff). [note for those who skipped The Long
_
Outdated Section: Those studies are pro-trans in that
_
the gender observed on the CT scan aligns with a trans
_
person's chosen gender (or if they were somewhere on
_
an enby spectrum, the signals would be mixed, so it's
_
not anti-enby, either, otherwise it'd make no sense to
_
cite it in an article where I come out as being on
_
that spectrum, lol). So I didn't cite some anti-trans
_
hit-piece masquerading as a study, even though I know
_
that „gender is biological” may sound like that. But
_
this was proper science, done in accordance with the
_
medical community's current positive view on queer
_
people.] And I fully agree with all of these studies
_
because I'm in no position to question legitimate
_
science. But I believe I may have misrepresented them
_
in there. I understood that there are some
_
„fundamental differences” between genders (which does
_
line up with their discoveries), but I was like „Well,
_
I cannot just leave it as is; that would sound
_
sexist”, and then went on to leave a disclaimer, of
_
sorts, that went like this: "If every man was „meant”
_
not to like skirts, then there would be no femboys.
_
The same thing will apply to literally every value we
_
associate with gender. Yes, there are some common
_
trends - and yes, there will be outliers." and with
_
that disclaimer, I accidentally snuck in my core
_
misunderstanding of those studies: I conflated
_
gender's sheer existence (proved by them) with gender
_
expression (not really something they tested for). And
_
by doing so, I rejected one of the most fundamental
_
components of gender theory: That it's all a social
_
construct.
_
When writing that older part of the article, I feel
_
like I had a somewhat „heh, checkmate
_
liberals”-attitude (I'm not entirely sure why; I maybe
_
was just trying to act tough. „Well, shit! I'm opening
_
up some very vulnerable parts of my identity! Quick,
_
gotta offset it all with layers of posturing as a
_
strong and determined person.”) that, I don't think,
_
lead to any positive outcomes. One of those negative
_
outcomes was the framing that social constructs are
_
just entirely fake. „If something is a social
_
construct, it was made up by a person with probably
_
bad intentions [in fairness, I still think this
_
applies to eg. religion], and therefore can - and
_
should - be super-easily undone with enough tweets.
_
The only laws that matter are biology, for they cannot
_
be changed as easily.” And since I just found out that
_
gender is something that does have any connection to
_
biology, I was automatically trying to strip it of any
_
„fake” social-construct components, which led to me to
_
say dumb shit like "every man were „meant” not to like
_
skirts". Of course, I said that in the context of
_
femboys, as a proof that there are some outliers to
_
this „rule”. But... Wait, what? „Rule”? Yea, because
_
by saying it that way, I had already implicitly framed
_
„man=no skirt” as a rule! Why would I do that??? It's
_
literally just a piece of fabric? There is no world in
_
which any „fundamental biological difference” leads to
_
people liking their fabric cut into a single tube vs.
_
2 tubes. Tf are we, hermit crabs who instinctively
_
search for shells? Modern human garments are far too
_
complex for any detailed preferences to be encoded in
_
the DNA (tho I'm not arguing that there aren't some
_
underlying factors of stylistic choices encoded there,
_
like preferring bright vs. muted colors; AFAIK this
_
was proved in twin studies), and that ignores the fact
_
that they're MODERN and in no world would evolution
_
have enough time to catch up to whatever tf this is
_
supposed to be, for example.
_
Anyway... I got side-tracked there. What I'm trying to
_
get to, is that the only thing those studies proved is
_
that gender (whatever gender might be) stems from
_
biology. In other words, they proved where it is (in
_
our brains, on some deep level, that comes from our
_
DNAs, probably from the same part of the DNA that
_
determines our biological sex, although clearly this
_
doesn't always work for everyone because trans people
_
exist - side-note, this would also hint at trans
_
people being intersex in some way (and, tbh, yea! I
_
agree), which is actually a view that some trans
_
people DO hold (also, apparently, this video mentions
_
the same study I did, the one about CT scans, tho ig I
_
misremembered and they aren't CT scans but
_
magneto-something)). But they didn't say anything
_
about the nature of gender, in so far as what it is.
_
And, well... FROM WHAT I WAS ABLE TO PONDER OUT AND
_
SEARCH FOR, it's... a social construct. (oh no, the
_
libs got me) There DOES exist some „gender signal” in
_
our head (well... for most of us), but what we do with
_
it and how we act upon it is entirely dictated by
_
social norms around us (also, according to that video,
_
it's correlated to how we feel our own body parts, but
_
like... That has to be an even different, separate
_
signal from the main gender one because not all trans
_
ppl experience bottom dysphoria). A great analogy that
_
I thought of just yesterday is stepping into something
_
sticky and wet. You may say „Ewww!” - that's a social
_
construct (biology doesn't compel us to announce our
_
displeasure to the world, it was a conscious choice,
_
and whether you take it depends on the situation, eg.
_
you wouldn't say that randomly on a street (or at
_
least my socially-anxious ass wouldn't)). But the raw
_
signal underneath, the aversion to stepping onto
_
sticky-wet stuff, comes from our biology (probably...
_
I have no idea if anyone did some research into this
_
for humans, but if you've owned a cat, you'd know that
_
they generally tend to avoid any floor stains (and
_
will angrily clean themselves if they nevertheless
_
step into one), even though they have no concept of
_
social constructs that'd make them say Ewww; also it'd
_
make sense evolutionary (you'd rather want to evolve a
_
signal that makes you abstain from stepping into
_
things that may be bogs, in which you're gonna drown);
_
also it feels gross, and I'm not sure if social
_
constructs are capable of inducing physical sensations
_
(I mean... Phantom pain is a thing, so maybe, idk)). I
_
think gender is the same. It stems from biology, but
_
what we do with it in our modern world is entirely up
_
to us. To put it all into one pompous sentence: Gender
_
is a social construct, through which we express
_
subconscious thoughts, desires and biases that come
_
from the fundamental biology of our gendered brain. I
_
think. Geez, I feel smart now.
_
_
Second of all: I finally have an identity.
_
So... In the intro, and in the Chungus 'O a Section, I
_
pretty strongly asserted that I'm agender. And, having
_
revised my definition of gender, I still agree with
_
this. I don't think I get that „gender signal” very
_
often, be it for myself or for anyone around me, and I
_
certainly don't respond to it strongly. Here's the
_
thing, tho: I'm not entirely agender. I allured to
_
that near the end of the chungusoid, with that „I
_
might just be trans” micro-section, but... Eh, no,
_
that's not it, really. It's more complicated.
_
* First of all, I think I have an even better label
_
than „agender”. I found someone on YouTube some time
_
ago, who had a pride flag I haven't seen yet as
_
their PFP. So I got curious, and clicked. In their
_
profile description, it said „apagender (gender
_
apathy)”. Tbh? Dare I say, just the phrase gender
_
apathy, describes me very well. It's closer to my
_
„gender blindness”, as I thought I described my
_
condition above in the Chungus, but apparently I
_
didn't? Ctrl+F can't find it. Weird, I thought I
_
said that; it certainly aligns with how I feel.
_
Maybe it was in DMs to one of my friends (the one
_
who got my „(a)gender reveal” the earliest)? Idk,
_
whatever. Anyway, „gender apathy” sounds closer to
_
this „gender blindness” than outright „agender” -
_
because the latter may also imply having absolutely
_
no gender at all ever, and I'm not entirely sure
_
that I have none and never, more-so I don't respond
_
strongly or at all, to the precious few gender
_
signals that I do get sometimes (less often and more
_
mixed than for cis people, though; see next point),
_
or I miss them outright. However, apagender also
_
sounds dangerously Mo' Gay (MOGAI, but said
_
playfully) to me, as I actually prefer my labels to
_
have real meanings (I highly dislike the „corporate
_
wokeness consultant”-ass attitude of „labels mean
_
nothing, every label is an umbrella term for every
_
other label, everyone should make their own gender
_
and then we'll all be happy and equa- I mean... hold
_
equity, and if you ever dare ask a person what their
_
label actually means you're a big meanie and I'll
_
camcel you personally”), and having to specify the
_
meaning of your label right next to said label is
_
the opposite of „has a meaning”. So I think I'll
_
pass on this one, thank you very much! Agender is
_
still very good and I already grew to like it,
_
actually. But if you're into, like, astrology for
_
fags, then you're welcome to chant apagender instead
_
of agender when you draw my card, I'm not gonna stop
_
you. Tho please tell me what that card said.
_
* Second of all, I'm not just agender (or apagender if
_
you really wanna stick to that term). I have since
_
pondered a lot about myself, and came to the
_
conclusion that I possess some gender from time to
_
time. More specifically, I will sometimes
_
automatically associate myself with men, and play
_
towards their defense (play being a relative term
_
here since I don't really often post stuff online
_
anymore, so it boils down to me thinking that the
_
guy is innocent and the woman is crazy), during any
_
case of you typical online man-slander (the stuff
_
that the feminists that I ranted about in The
_
Outdated Chungusoid Section above will say, „kill
_
all men” type shit - or like in that now-classic
_
clip of „See, that's why I don't like video games.
_
They appeal to the male fantasy.”). I have no idea
_
if that's how „experiencing gender” is supposed to
_
look like. It may also be self-defense that has
_
nothing to do with how actually feel, in that I'm
_
still mostly a masculine-presenting person, and
_
anyone who sees me IRL would probably read me as a
_
man (tho recently a guy tried to enter a bathroom,
_
saw me, said „Oh, I'm sorry” and left, only to come
_
back in, and laugh and say „I'm even more sorry” (so
_
he thought I was a girl, and that he entered the
_
wrong bathroom, at first), which made me very happy
_
(yay, someone didn't read me as a man), even if I of
_
course didn't tell him that to avoid confusing the
_
poor lad even more), and so I'd rather not want any
_
random person who sees me IRL to automatically
_
assume I'm gonna do unspeakable acts to them, and
_
I'll push against (again... usually only in my mind,
_
as (just like I said) I rarely actually comment)
_
online narratives that propagate this view, for my
_
own's selfish sake, not for the sake of men as a
_
group. But then I also do sometimes feel associated
_
with the men group, not in any self-defense way, but
_
strictly as a group I'm in (as in „the boys are
_
heading out to [do X]” and „the boys” includes me -
_
although this, unlike the „defense against slander”
_
above, applies strictly to IRL (or
_
online-but-with-people-I-know) situations, as all
_
the „boys be like” memes by randoms online are tbh
_
mostly just an excuse to portray women as somehow
_
inherently boring, which (just like man-slander) I
_
also don't condone and want no part in (Maybe I just
_
don't like gendered slander (and I just happen to be
_
able to oppose it more strongly when it targets men
_
because of my experiences), no matter the recipient,
_
that's all? (I mean... I did go QUITE harsh on it in
_
that outdated section, too (and kinda... threw a
_
bunch of innocent feminists under the bus for no
_
reason; I'm really sorry, girls; some of y'all's
_
analysis I came across on YouTube are actually
_
pretty good (it's really only Xitter or short-form
_
content, that devolves into mindless shouting
_
matches); I concede the win there)))). So, anyway...
_
Is that how gender looks like? Idk, it's weird!
_
Also, that's like 10% of the time. The other maybe
_
30% is the absolute exact opposite. First, it's in
_
the feminine direction. Second of all - this time, I
_
have no other way do describe it other than simply
_
„experiencing gender”. More specifically, I'm
_
talking about this, like... Warm and fuzzy feeling,
_
when I just woke up, and I took an Everything Shower
_
and shaved the night before, and I just lie there,
_
hugged to whatever fabric thing I can (a plushie, a
_
pillow, or my own blanket) and I just go... „Damn...
_
I love being a girl.”. I'm just feeling cute, and
_
very feminine, and it's awesome. I know that this is
_
probably some form of gender euphoria, but AFAIK,
_
gender euphoria is supposed to be more targeted to a
_
specific part of your body, eg. fluffy hair, smooth
_
skin, or boobs. And for all it's worth, I do
_
experience both euphoria and dysphoria; I'll talk
_
about it later. But this feels different, this is
_
more holistic. I... Really cannot describe it as
_
anything else than feeling girly. And it's nice. Is
_
that how experiencing gender, especially one aligned
_
with your brain, looks like? I really never had that
_
feeling, until I started experimenting with
_
presenting fem (grew my hair out, etc.), so I really
_
don't know. ANYWAY, this is all well and good, but
_
we're still talking about less than half the time
_
(40%). So what about like... The rest of time in my
_
life? Well, uh.... :shrug:. I just... am. There
_
isn't much in a way of perceived gender, I think.
_
See all my talk about being agender, above. So I am
_
agender, but only about 60% of the time? Well,
_
that's just silly. And then when I'm not agender, my
_
gender changes depending on the situation? If only
_
there was a term that explains a gender that kinda
_
flows between states like that... Flows, like a
_
fluid..... Genderfluid!
_
_
Oh, btw... My grammatical gender is also fluid. To
_
anyone for whom the idea of a person having
_
grammatical gender sounds silly (because you may be
_
used to languages where grammatical gender functions
_
like „a tree is an it, a mouse is a she, and a key
_
is a he”): Polish is just very weird here. Not only
_
is a mouse a she, but she also she-squeaks. Or, more
_
accurately, was she-squeaking (piszczała), as this
_
really only applies to past tenses. But the insanity
_
doesn't end there because we also fold the I/you
_
pronoun there. So, assuming I go by she/her, I can
_
I-she-squeak in the past tense
_
(piszczałam/zapiszczałam). When I used to go
_
exclusively by he/him, I was always I-he-squeaking
_
(piszczałem). Not that I squeak a lot, in the past
_
or otherwise (I'm not a mouse), this is just an
_
example. You know what I can't do? It-squeak. There
_
is no way in Polish for me to say the sentence „I
_
squeaked from happiness” if I go by „it” (no, going
_
by „they” isn't an option - Polish has no singular
_
they, and I'm not multiple beings so I don't want to
_
be using plural they, either) because it'd have to
_
be said as „I-it-squeaked from happiness” or „I
_
I-it-squeaked from happiness” (you don't have to say
_
the preceding „I” when it's folded into the next
_
word, we'd only do that when we're trying to
_
emphasize that something is our
_
opinion/achievement/etc.) and there is literally no
_
such word as „I-it-squeak” (I can't even show it to
_
you like I did with all the others because it
_
DOESN'T EXIST). Now... „Guzio it-squeaked from
_
happiness” is fair game, it'd be „Guzio zapiszczało
_
z radości” (and it actually works double-great
_
because Guzio ends with an „o”, which is typically
_
used for it-s in Polish), but „Have you ever
_
it-squeaked from happiness?” on the other hand is
_
again impossible („you” gets folded, just like „I”
_
and - you guessed it - there is no
_
„you-it-squeaked”). All of this doesn't just apply
_
to „squeak”, it's the same for EVERY OTHER WORD.
_
Polish just didn't account for the possibility of an
_
inanimate object speaking or directly being asked a
_
question (poets and writers can get around it with
_
clever word-ordering tricks - but unless you wanna
_
think for 20s every time you want to say a sentence,
_
and also sound like a Shakespearian character for
_
the rest of your life, and also force this only
_
everyone else when they talk to/about you - this
_
isn't viable), nor for the possibility for a person
_
to not have gender. Which in practice means that any
_
gender-spicy person in Poland, who isn't just trans
_
(and has an easy case of „switch birth-assigned
_
pronouns to the other side”), usually has to specify
_
some form of fallback, and most often that fallback
_
is switching their grammatical gender around all the
_
time, however, some will instead just pick one (btw,
_
this is why in that Old Outdated Section, I
_
mentioned that enby people really should pick some
_
fallback pronouns for broad compat - currently, it's
_
not always possible to even discuss them at all in
_
some languages). In my case, when I was first
_
figuring myself out and though I may be a trans
_
woman, I forced myself to use she/her (even at least
_
in my head) and it was OK sometimes, but it
_
sometimes just felt weird and unnatural. So I
_
decided that I must be cis after all, and tried to
_
switch back to „normal” (he/him). And failed. Turns
_
out that, after experimenting with she/her for a
_
while, he/him also started feeling weird and
_
unnatural under certain conditions. Whoops! My
_
grammatical gender is fluid, apparently! It also
_
seems to have zero correlation with the state of my
_
gender as I described above. I can be feeling
_
ultra-girly and casually use he/him like it fully
_
belongs there, or I could be deep in the „me and the
_
boys” and still feel like she/her works better
_
there. Idk, it's weird. I was trying to find some
_
rule, initially I noticed that I lean more towards
_
feminine ones whenever something is going wrong,
_
which made me scared that all of this is just
_
internalized misogyny (like I somehow internally
_
associated womanhood with trouble) and I'd really
_
rather not build my own gender identity on that, but
_
after some time, even that „rule” faded away and
_
this doesn't really seem to happen anymore. There
_
truly might be NO RULE other than „idk, it felt
_
right at the time”. Anyway, all of this only applies
_
when I speak Polish; English doesn't have all this
_
bullshit. I just go by me/myself/I. Oh, wait... You
_
wanna know how you can refer to me? Well, in English
_
I go by any/all (with a slight preference towards
_
she/her over he/him, and towards it/its (I guarantee
_
you, past me (from a year ago, when I wrote that 1st
_
section) would've been like „Go on, cancel me from
_
using the "it" pronoun!”... God, I was so abrasive,
_
why tf?) over they/them, and no preference towards
_
either she/he or they/it, it's up tou you if you
_
wanna do andro or gendered). Polish is more
_
complicated than that because you can't exactly read
_
my mind and know whether he or she would „feel right
_
at the time”. And so, for that, well... You know
_
what? I think this would be better fit for a new
_
section!
_
_
...But what to do about this identity?
_
So... We established that I'm agender+genderfluid,
_
which is apparently a combo that's possible (if you
_
allow extracting your most common gendersolid from
_
your genderfluid, which I allow, especially given how
_
agender is itself non-cis, so I think it should be
_
emphasized independently), even if it doesn't sound
_
very sensible at first. (I remember when I came out to
_
my friends, one of them asked how's that even
_
possible, and I said „Apparently is is!” and said I'll
_
probably write a longer message about HOW it is
_
possible one day, and uhh... Here's a MUCH LONGER blog
_
post instead! Jeśli to rzeczywiście przeczytasz,
_
Madziu, to możesz śmiało powiedzieć, że w 100%
_
pokonałaś swoje ADHD, lub przynajmniej że Medikinet
_
działa bardzo dobrze, i wiedz, że jestem z ciebie
_
bardzo dumna. :))
_
_
Okay, but like... What do I do about this? That
_
outdated version was ended on: "So, I guess that makes
_
me an „agender man”? If so, I suppose I can just keep
_
the „man” part public-facing, and leave the „agender”
_
as an extra quirk of my being, for those who care
_
enough to look here. Will I? idk." Well „ik” now, and
_
I can tell that this is NOT gonna fly. Ever since I
_
discovered that my grammatical gender is also fluid,
_
and since I came out to 2 more friends (at the time of
_
writing that old section, only 1 knew) and to one of
_
whom I talk A LOT, and so I had more opportunities to
_
experience the joy of a fluid grammatical gender, I
_
concluded that in safe spaces I for sure wanna be
_
public about my agenderness/fluidity, purely to be
_
able to use any grammatical gender I want at any time,
_
without looking weird to anyone. So I came out to my
_
primary friend group (those 3 friends who got Early
_
Access to my gender are from it, and so is that one
_
who asked how can one be both agender and
_
genderfluid). I also came out to some of my „queer af”
_
online friends, and also set my Discord pronouns to
_
any/all. So in terms of „the public knowing”, I'm
_
already there, pretty much. The cat's outta the bag.
_
I'll probably keep this blog-post semi-hidden for the
_
time being just because I don't want any potential
_
employer to look at my CV, to go to my website, and
_
see „Lena” instead of the name listed in my job
_
application, but that's about it. Anyway, coming out
_
to a couple of friends doesn't really seem impact me
_
(beyond the fact that I now can talk more freely and
_
switch to English less often (used to do that a lot,
_
whenever I felt like my grammatical gender wasn't
_
masculine, but I couldn't use feminine because not
_
everyone in that convo knew; now I only do that when I
_
feel like no grammatical gender fits, or an earlier
_
message was in English and I continue along in it, or
_
if I forget a given phrase in Polish and switch to
_
English for it, and just kinda stay there), at least
_
in the sparse couple of groups/DMs where everyone
_
knows), as much as it affects those friends. Or at
_
least it seems to affect them more than me xD. I feel
_
like I made an environment in which they're walking on
_
eggshells, and that wasn't anywhere close to my
_
intention. Just recently, I attended a birthday of one
_
of my friends and was quite shocked that the
_
drunkenness leaderboard had me listed as Lena. On one
_
hand, it made me super happy. For the longest time, I
_
felt like my closest friend group, one that I always
_
perceived as ultra-progressive, just kinda... Didn't
_
really care at all (except for those who got early
_
access before (and, for that matter, the one who wrote
_
it on the leaderboard was among that group, but still:
_
going openly and to the rest of the group with it,
_
whereas in the past I feel like it was always more
_
tabooish (like only when a couple of people were in
_
the room, or something - this may be related to the
_
fact that I only came out near the start of the
_
vacations, but I'm pretty sure? we had at least 2
_
parties in the meantime?), made me very happy)), and
_
that made me kinda sad. So seeing them care, after
_
all, was incredibly heartwarming. If anyone reads
_
this: Thank you, guys! it was cute. But on the other
_
hand... Well, I'm used to being Guzio! And I like it.
_
It's a name I had already chosen for myself, just as
_
much as I chose Lena (for context, because I don't
_
think I really brought it up anywhere, Lena is a
_
chosen-trans-name for a hypothetical future me that
_
goes all-in on presenting fem, so much so that I
_
update my documents and stuff), but much longer ago
_
(Guzio originates from like... the 1st/2nd grade of
_
primary school). Anyway, even if Guzio would have also
_
been perfectly fine, it still was a good memory,
_
overall. I'm really happy it was just openly accepted
_
as a fact, with nobody being weird about it in any
_
way. Tbh, I myself may have been the least confident
_
about me being Lena in that group, but that's
_
explained later. What was less good, was what happened
_
right after: I may have made one of my friends feel
_
guilty. See, she was inviting everyone to her wedding
_
during that party (god, I felt SO OLD saying this),
_
and when she handed me my invite card, she had an
_
awkward laugh and was like „I... I guess that's your
_
deadname now. I'm sorry, I printed this a while ago.”.
_
I appreciate the concern, but it isn't! I don't
_
remember if she put my full government Mateusz Guzek
_
there, or just Guzio, and I can't find the invite card
_
now. But whichever it was, it's fine either way.
_
Mateusz Guzek is still what my national ID card/app
_
says, that's how I sign every professional document or
_
exam sheet, and that's what I put on named tickets for
_
trains and events. And this isn't a matter of „oh,
_
gosh, I'm already Lena everywhere, but I still can't
_
get my legal documents changed because I'm still in a
_
3-year queue to the doctor” that so many trans people
_
experience (especially in Britain - I'm so sorry for
_
you), or something like that. It is a real name, that
_
I really use day2day in a professional context, and
_
I'm content with it. I'm also experimenting around
_
with Lena, for example I signed up as Lena Guzek on
_
multiple sites recently. Or I „got experimented” by
_
the friend who listed me as Lena on that leaderboard.
_
And that name is also great! Honestly, whether I'm
_
Mateusz or Lena kinda feels like the grammatical
_
gender situation all over again (at least as far as
_
what I use, now what anyone is supposed to use on me,
_
more on that right below). Except that this time, I do
_
follow a rule (Mateusz is still kept for various
_
professional contexts, while in mostly low-stakes
_
situations I'll be brave enough to experiment with
_
Lena) and I also have a 3rd option, that I actually
_
strongly prefer, and that's Guzio (it just cannot be
_
used in most contexts because it's either too
_
unprofessional (in places where I go by Mateusz - but
_
also in some places where I mess around with Lena, eg.
_
shipping details), or it lacks a surname (in places
_
where I need to put both, eg. during online sign-ups),
_
or both). At any rate, you really shouldn't feel
_
awkward when you use Mateusz, really. This is fine.
_
And if the friend in question is reading this: I'm
_
very sorry for making you uncomfortable. Please don't
_
feel guilty.
_
_
Okay, I need to take a step back here, because this
_
entire section started with „And so, for that, well...
_
You know what? I think this would be better fit for a
_
new section.” in the context of „How should people
_
refer to me in Polish?”, and not only have I not yet
_
answered the question, but also added that names
_
(Lena/Mateusz) work the same way as
_
that-thing-that-I-stil-did-now-answer-on. So, what to
_
use? Honestly, just... Switch it up a bit! Use either.
_
Mess around. I feel like my primary friend group got
_
very sharply split between those who will keep using
_
masculine forms and those who went full-throttle with
_
feminine. But... Really guys, all are okay! (I'm
_
saying this to the feminine group.) It's perfectly
_
okay to drop down to masculine, as well. And I really
_
like Guzio; no need to replace that with Lena on every
_
occasion. I don't think one of my friends has said
_
Guzio even once after I came out, instead using Lena
_
all the time. And, as I said, Guzio is okay, I really
_
like it, and I picked it myself. I mean... Look, this
_
very site is called GuzioHub. You think I'd PAY
_
(*domain registration always costs money) for
_
guziohub.ovh, if I knew I don't like Guzio? Oh, hell
_
naw! I will not be abandoning it as my online (at
_
least online, but probably IRL, too, in some capacity)
_
self, even if I do decide to go full-fem. So... Yea,
_
mix it around and switch it up! This applies to both
_
the name and the grammatical gender. If, however, I
_
can make one request, it'd that you guys start with
_
feminine in any IRL interactions, until I get comfier
_
with feminine form myself during said interaction (I
_
think that leaderboard was a great example of that). I
_
realized that, even when I'm around the exact same
_
people, with whom I happily mix around feminine and
_
masculine online (in both text and voice), as soon as
_
we interact IRL, I get somehow paralyzed with fear,
_
shame, and guilt (this is what I meant above, when I
_
said I felt like I was the least confident about being
_
Lena among everyone in the group). Probably stems from
_
MAJOR insecurities about my body (more on that later).
_
Even if I feel like I wanna use a feminine form right
_
now, I'd just get stuck, stressed, and probably not
_
say anything at all (let alone use a masculine form
_
instead). But I noticed I get much more comfy if even
_
for some 15 minutes some people stick to feminine. So
_
if it's not too big of a deal, I'd be very thankful if
_
y'all could help me get that initial push. But again -
_
no need to stick to it religiously - once I get
_
comfier (or if it's online), feel free to use
_
anything, and (if anything) I'd prefer some mixing.
_
And as far as the name goes, Guzio is absolutely okay
_
(unless it ends up colliding with a feminine form in
_
the same sentence, or something - use Lena instead,
_
then) and I still like it. Please don't erase it. :(
_
And to that masculine-users group... Guyysss! Don't be
_
boring. Yes, all forms are fine, but like... Have some
_
variety in your life! Sometime recently, one of my
_
friends who otherwise uses masculine most of the time,
_
said on Discord „podoba mi sie ze musze dzwonic na
_
discorda zebys mi wiadomosci przeczytlaa”. Please
_
ignore my bad message-reading discipline on display
_
(if you can read Polish), and instead focus on the
_
last word, „przeczytała” (*I cleared all typos).
_
That's the „she-read”. That message, despite the fact
_
that I got roasted for not reading stuff in a timely
_
manner, absolutely made my day that day. That tiny
_
extra bit of consideration from a person who otherwise
_
doesn't seem to care most of the time, felt warmer
_
than a million Lenas-instead-of-Guzios used by one of
_
the „early access” people. However, some people in the
_
masculine-user group haven't tried anything feminine
_
even once. And just... Guyysss! Be a bit creative! I'm
_
not saying that to hold anyone „accountable” or
_
anything; I don't hold anybody's speech patterns
_
against them. But it's just kinda boring when you
_
stick to the same thing ALWAYS.
_
Finally, if I can make a global request to both
_
groups: Please avoid Mateusz, except where it makes
_
sense. Y'all already were doing a good job of it
_
before I came out (always using Guzio - and it's not
_
like I even asked for it, or anything, it just kinda
_
naturally evolved out), and kept doing a good job to
_
this day (using either Guzio or Lena, depending on
_
which side you ended up on - though I wish this wasn't
_
as binary and both sides used both names from time to
_
time), so this is a +1 „we good” more than anything.
_
And also as an instruction to people outside my friend
_
group (I mean... I'm not expecting them to be the main
_
audience of this in the 1st place; probably less than
_
half of them will ever read this, so I gotta
_
generalize this a bit more). HOWEVER, I did say
_
„except where it makes sense” in the opening of this
_
paragraph, and what I actually meant was the upcoming
_
wedding. I know I already made the bride feel a bit
_
awkward when she gave me an invite with my „deadname”
_
(not really), and I'm a bit worried she may try to
_
overcompensate by putting Lena Guzek on the official
_
guest list or something. And then I come in, fully
_
masc-presenting (in like a suit or something) except
_
with longer hair and perfectly shaved, and then I see
_
my seat labelled Lena. Istg, I'm just gonna stand. I
_
don't think any amount of explaining would satisfy any
_
boomers that may be present on that event (I mean...
_
Weddings are family events, after all). Okay, but I'll
_
give those wedding instructions along with my
_
confirmation of the invite; putting them randomly on
_
my site is a great way to ensure they won't be
_
followed. So, to instead generalize this as „advice
_
for anyone who speaks Polish and wants to know how to
_
refer to me”: in any situation where boomer
_
interaction is likely and Guzio is too unprofessional,
_
please stick to Mateusz, at least for the foreseeable
_
future.
_
_
Okay, but what about the far away future?
_
Well... In multiple places of this article, I alluded
_
to the possibility of a more fem-presenting version of
_
me existing in the future. All the „I'm still mostly
_
masc-presenting” (and similar phrasing); that whole
_
„feeling girly” bit; the fact that I have a name
_
picked for her already (Lena); or even less pretty
_
bits of existing in my current gender, like mentioning
_
insecurities about my body, dysphoria (and also
_
euphoria, which is great, but is also either difficult
_
to achieve or stems from earlier dysphorias), or the
_
fact that I opened this article with „Yea... Okay. I'm
_
agender. Aw, shit.”. I'm certainly NOT just M2F trans,
_
like I earlier thought I might be. I'm somewhere on
_
the enby spectrum (well... Not somewhere, I know
_
exactly where: agender+genderfluid) and going for more
_
feminine presentation/expression won't change this.
_
But nevertheless, being more fem is something that I'd
_
like to opt into in the future. At the same time, this
_
is not something I mentally can take on in the
_
short-term, even if I'd really want to, and
_
physically/logistically 100% could (I'm blessed enough
_
to live in a household with my mum that would
_
disapprove, but still love me and begrudgingly accept
_
(I'm not sure about my dad, tho - I doubt he'd disown
_
me outright or anything, but instead of
_
disapproval-but-acceptance, it he'd probably disregard
_
any wishes I have, and it would just become a source
_
of unending viscous mockery, just like everything I
_
had ever done and either was stupid enough to be proud
_
enough to show him (projects and stuff; mockery
_
becomes „Oh, you see that [thing you made ages ago and
_
it was pretty bad]? That's where you peaked. It was SO
_
BAD and yet you've done nothing better since, you a
_
failure.” or „Congrats on getting accepted to
_
[somewhere], can't wait for you to fail
_
catastrophically.”), or he saw himself (eg. anything I
_
was working on when he walked into my room, any notes
_
I left open, or anything body-related he naturally
_
will see (shaving; long hair)); as for the „would
_
still love me” - that thankfully wouldn't be a problem
_
because I doubt he loves me even now lol); I have very
_
good medical insurance (under my mum's plan,
_
thankfully) and could probably get the necessary M2F
_
transition papers (Poland doesn't legally recognize
_
enbies, so if I wanna change my name to Lena and/or
_
get HRT, I'd have to mark my legal status as a woman,
_
and just keep my agender+genderfluid status outside
_
the legal system and strictly within the social
_
fabric, as I actually already have it now) done in 2
_
months). Why? Well...
_
Why I'd want HRT (soon) / fem presentation (at all)...
_
Tbh? 3 reasons:
_
* One of the greatest sources of dysphoria I
_
experience is related to facial hair. Whenever I
_
feel its presence, I end up experiencing genuine
_
bodily discomfort. Be it my front-neck gets a bit
_
crusty from something (eg. I was just sweaty a
_
moment ago, and that sweat evaporated now (eg. I'm
_
on a biking trip and took a stop)) and I can just
_
feel the outlines of the hairs on it, or I touch my
_
face for any reason, or I'm trying to sleep and my
_
neck touches itself... This is deep horror. The last
_
part, it actually makes it impossible to sleep (tho
_
thankfully I found a loophole: if I put a piece of
_
blanket or something between the parts that are
_
touching, I'm gonna be fine because I can't feel it
_
anymore - so at least I'm still capable of getting a
_
good night's sleep). I've been dealing with all this
_
crap ever since I hit that stage of puberty when it
_
starts growing, so it's not like I „imagined it”
_
only after I begun experimenting with my identity,
_
it was a real discomfort even back when I though I
_
was totally cis and didn't even know the word
_
dysphoria (oh, noo... here I go, getting all
_
defensive again). In the past, I'd use a depilation
_
cream thing (that my mum recommended to me, and that
_
my dad ofc used as a reason to mock me), that you
_
put on your face, scrape it off, and have 0 hair for
_
almost a week - but that seems to have gotten badly
_
enshittified (fuck capitalism fuck capitalism fuck
_
capitalism fuck capitalism fuck capitalism) somewhat
_
recently (like a year ago or something - also about
_
the time I started messing with my identity and
_
would really use a good shave more than ever, so
_
fuck me in particular, I guess) and nowadays it just
_
kinda burns your skin without removing any hair. So
_
I switched to regular shaving. But I have to do it
_
EVERY. FUCKING. DAY., technically. In practice, I
_
hate doing this because my facial hair really
_
doesn't want to be shaved and it just keep catching
_
on the shaver, splitting, and still staying on my
_
face, just a bit messier - which overall leads to me
_
wasting over an hour on shaving (and I keep running
_
over the same spot over and over again from
_
different directions and pray that it works
_
finally), and oftentimes I have to resort to
_
plucking some extra-stubborn hair (which is usually
_
30+ per session) - which means I don't do it every
_
day, and instead feel like absolute shit the day
_
after (fuck my chud fast-growing hair). HOWEVER,
_
once I do shave, the euphoria I get from all the
_
smoothness is AMAZING. And it scales with the amount
_
of stuff shaved, too! While only facial hair give me
_
outright dysphoria, so that's the part I usually
_
focus on, I'd occasionally also shave my hands, and
_
occasionalier my legs. And the more S M O O T H I
_
get, the better I feel. Anyway... I really need to
_
find a better way because wasting 10h+ per week on
_
shaving (or less, but then feeling bad for 2/3 of
_
the week) is not sustainable. ASAP, I need to
_
somehow obliterate my facial hair. I could get there
_
by doing HRT (which comes with a cool bonus of
_
removing more unwanted hair, not just facial), or by
_
going for some permanent-hair-removal technique, eg.
_
electrolysis. Fun fact, even my own mum recommended
_
me this! I did tell her about all my facial-hair
_
troubles (basically all of the above, except I
_
avoided terms like gender euphoria/dysphoria and
_
left out that this also applies to other hair) and
_
she was like „Well, you could try to get it removed.
_
You know that beauty saloon where I go? She could
_
totally help with that, buuttt... I... Look, you
_
have a BEAUTIFUL beard shape [editor's note: this IS
_
unfortunately true, it'd be much easier to convince
_
her if it was ugly and not worth keeping anyway],
_
it's so nice and even, and... Well, it'd be such a
_
waste to get rid of it completely! It's gonna make
_
you a beautiful handsome man [editor's note: god,
_
I'm gonna puke...] one day.”. So... This puts me in
_
a bit of pickle. The one who can offer me the most
_
support here (I don't wanna go in fully blind; I've
_
seen way too many stories online of
_
transfems/AMAB-enbies getting scammed on
_
permanent-hair-removal; also, while I do have a
_
great financial support base (see: the logistics of
_
being fem, see above) and I don't have to worry
_
about my basic survival needs at all, on a personal
_
level, I'm kinda broke) seems to be quite displeased
_
with the idea. Maybe I can issue some ultimatum, as
_
in „mom, I know you don't like how long it takes me
_
to shave; you keep complaining about the bathroom
_
light staying on well into the night and wakes you
_
up, and how it's unhealthy for my sleep schedule
_
(and I greatly appreciate that you care about it, I
_
love you too) - well, guess what? I'm not giving up
_
my smoothness, so the only way to stop me from
_
wasting my time on shaving is to get rid of the root
_
cause, ie. the hair regrowing itself.” and hope for
_
the best. UPDATE: Literally just as I typed out that
_
sentence, my mum asked me if we wanna go on a walk
_
together, I said yes, and then we discussed this
_
topic. She was expectedly very against the idea of
_
laser (didn't mention electrolysis at all, which had
_
me a bit confused as I thought laser is largely a
_
scam (see above) and electro is better, but she
_
showed me her laser-removed (3yrs ago) leg hair (or
_
lack thereof) and it looked CRAZY GOOD, so idk), but
_
instead we settled on a compromise, where she
_
promised she'd help me procure some high-quality
_
shaver (in fairness, my current one is ass) and if
_
that can get my shave time <20min with minimal/no
_
plucking, I stick to that instead of lasering. Also,
_
funnily enough, she completely unprompted (I was
_
very careful to make this strictly about shaving to
_
avoid overwhelming her with gender) mentioned
_
transitioning, like „If you were to ever wanna
_
change genders, you'll of course have to laser
_
[editor's note: nope; HRT does the trick on its own,
_
actually], but I hope it won't have to come to that
_
before you discover the joys of being a man. It
_
really gets good once you get slimmer, trust me.
_
[editor's note: funnily enough, she got that
_
bodymass=gender correlation exactly wrong (for me at
_
least); read on]”, so ig all the „jokes” about me
_
transitioning and more serious (but purposefully
_
devoid of personal elements) discussions about about
_
gender and trans people we had, actually made her
_
somewhat accepting/aware (and even planted the
_
vision of fem-me into her brain), which is nice;
_
also this more or less proves my earlier assessment
_
that she'd be displeased, but begrudgingly still
_
love me. Yaayyy!!! Anyway, all of this isn't that
_
much about presenting fem; even when fully
_
boymodding I'd rather not have facial hair (and
_
there's nothing inherently immasculine about the
_
lack of it; it really only works in the other way
_
around, ie. beard=masculine). And it's not that much
_
about HRT either because there are non-HRT
_
hair-removal options. So idk why I even put this
_
here (ig as an example of what „extras” I'd get from
_
HRT (and the sooner, the better), and not as a
_
strict reason to get it soon).
_
* My head/main/however-you-call-it hair may be running
_
out of time. I am balding. With the help of my mum
_
and the beauty saloon girl (and her funny head
_
chemicals) mentioned above, I think we managed to
_
slow it down. Like... My dad would've already been
_
bald by now. Still, I carry his balding genes, and I
_
do have some zakola (the front part of
_
male-pattern-baldness). And the thought that one day
_
it turns out that I have a bald spot at the back of
_
my head, and I wouldn't even know, scares me
_
shitless. I grew out my hair some time ago (it was
_
done under the excuse of „Well, I wanna try having
_
long hair before I no longer have the option to”,
_
but in actuality I did this around the time I forced
_
myself to use she/her in my head, and it was another
_
part of my gender experimentation), and it's
_
AWESOME. Yes, they got very high-maintenance,
_
annoyingly so (they get all oily after, like, just 1
_
or 2 days; I used to wash them once a week, now I
_
pretty much always wash them along the rest of my
_
body because of that oiliness (and because even if I
_
don't want to, I usually get them wet while taking a
_
bath because they're too long); I have to use a lot
_
of special stuff like a conditioner, whereas in the
_
past a hair shampoo would have been enough), but
_
it's damn worth it for the floofyness. And I'd
_
REALLY not want to loose it all. But I soon might.
_
And HRT can stop (but not reverse) the effects of
_
Male Pattern Baldness. So... You know... gimme that
_
omg i need this. At any rate, I like my hair, but I
_
still wouldn't classify having longer hair as
_
wanting to present fem because I already have them,
_
I already present fem in that tiny way (rather than
_
wanting to do it in the future), and I like it (so,
_
at most, I want to continue doing this).
_
* Strictly about presenting fem, tho... I just like
_
this! I already said that about 30% of the time, I'm
_
just „feeling girly” in a somewhat hard-to-describe
_
way. I can also easily imagine myself in the future,
_
doing stuff (I meant mundane life tasks; just
_
realized that this cursive may make it seem like I
_
meant something spicy) as a woman. I can equally
_
easily imagine myself doing them as a twinkish man,
_
so, again, the agenderness shows (as in: I don't
_
really care; zero attachment to gender), ig. But if
_
I'm going for a twinkish man style, and also am
_
looking into the potential of HRT as a solution to
_
some of my problems, and also even when presenting
_
as a twinkish man, I would probably still be feeling
_
girly from time to time (likely even more often than
_
I do now), then just... Why don't take that leap
_
into proper fem-presentation, right? Seems like a
_
very logical thing to do. It also opens up so many
_
cool styling options; imagine like skirts and stuff!
_
So cool! Well- hold right there. I don't think I'd
_
want to go full-fem, more-so fem-andro (although
_
skirts could still be involved because quote „So
_
cool!”). Right now I think I look very masc (not
_
full-masc, tho, cuz the hair), and sometimes I end
_
up leaning into masc-andro more or less on accident
_
(enough that, apparently, I can confuse ppl in
_
bathrooms, somehow; see above). But if I'm gonna be
_
more deliberate about my styling choices, anyway,
_
then I think fem-andro would be the most typical
_
one, and occasionally I'd go full-fem (in situations
_
where andro look isn't exactly possible (eg.
_
professional events, when you gotta pick dress/suit)
_
or whenever I just feel girly). Anyway, this is a
_
faraway future (omg, she said the [TITLE CARD])
_
plan, because...
_
Why „HRT soon” is scary, and why fem presentation
_
isn't happening soon...
_
Let's start with the 2nd one, cuz it's shorter and
_
also more difficult to admit in front of myself (and
_
so I wanna rip that band-aid and face the facts
_
already): I'm too fat. Society is much more aggressive
_
towards obese women than men. It's „haha,
_
Homer/family-guy-Guy (forgot his name), beer belly,
_
haha” vs „OMG, look at this fat bitch! Bet she takes
_
up 2 seats and then accuses those around her of
_
manspreading.”; it's BRUTAL out there for chubbier
_
women! The point of presenting fem is to be more comfy
_
in your own body, right? Well, so I'd go from feeling
_
double-uncomfortable (1 from masc, 1 from my mass) to
_
TRIPLE-uncomfortable (3 from my mass - multiplied by
_
3x over masc because, again, being an obese woman is
_
MUCH worse than an obese man). Now, had I made better
_
dietary choices in the past, the options would instead
_
be „uncomfortable” (1 from masc) or „comfortable” (0
_
from [Empty]) and going for fem presentation would've
_
been a no-brainer (possibly I'd've been typing this
_
very post while wearing a skirt - that is, to say, I'd
_
have opted into playing around with fem presentation a
_
long while ago, eg. at the same time as growing my
_
hair and switching to she/her in my head). But I
_
didn't! And now I'm „banned” from presenting fem
_
because that'd only make me feel worse. This is the
_
exact bodily insecurity that I mentioned some time
_
ago, as something that prevents me from she/her-ing
_
IRL (even just seeing my fat self in a window
_
reflection, and then using feminine grammatical
_
gender, feels degrading), even around the same people,
_
around whom I do this all the time, when they cannot
_
physically see me. This is also why I found it funny
_
when my mum said that „[being a man] really gets good
_
once you get slimmer” because - for me, at least -
_
that's when being a woman gets SUPER good, from
_
triple-uncomfortable to comfortable (and man too, ig,
_
but that's a more modest improvement, and I'm still
_
uncomfortable at the end of it). At any rate, I gotta
_
get healthier, fast. Ignoring even my hypothetical
_
gender transition, it'd be unfortunate to die of a
_
heart attack at 30. Thankfully, I'm finally moving in
_
that direction (after switching my GP to the one from
_
my mum's insurance plan, I actually got assigned
_
weight-loss drugs, and have a broader concrete
_
weight-loss plan, instead of how it used to work, ie.
_
being given thoughts and prayers by a doctor who I saw
_
1,5x a year and he wouldn't even bother to look at my
_
blood results - I will also use this opportunity to
_
say FUCK REMED+LECTUS! Przychodnia Wałowa? More like
_
Dupa Wołowa! 2,6 stars on Google Maps is TOO FUCKING
_
GENEROUS FOR YOU, you absolute BUFFOONS! (btw, it was
_
2,1 when I first signed up and even that's too much;
_
1,6-1,7 is the most I'd let them have if I had that
_
power) „Oh, the doctor that you were supposed to see
_
in February but we didn't let you (and left you
_
waiting at the door for 40min.) because our
_
19th-century IT system shat its pants, is on vacation
_
until November. I'm sorry, suck my ass.” geez, I hate
_
them), so maybe I'll be able to start shifting towards
_
fem presentation in like a year or 2? I really hope
_
so... Anyway, a year or 2 is still quite a lot of time
_
for HRT to kick in, so let's go over why I don't wanna
_
do it (at least not yet):
_
* Going on HRT would mean that after a couple of
_
months I'd have to start presenting full-fem or
_
fem-andro, for my body would have already femified
_
itself. And that's a bit of the problem, when
_
stacked against my „No fem until fit” directive I
_
just talked about because, well... What if the HRT
_
kicks in before I reach a comfortable body-weight?
_
I'd have to go through the horror of being fat as a
_
woman. This wouldn't be good for my mental health.
_
So I gotta wait with it until at least my mass
_
drops. And by that time... Who knows, maybe I'll
_
have already been post-permanent-facial-hair-removal
_
and also maybe the balding stops. If so, do I still
_
wanna go on HRT, or do I just present fem via
_
clothing and stuff, with no biological changes? I
_
dunno! (And then I probably also keep my legal
_
gender as male, if I don't have to go to a doctor
_
for HRT anyway, which just makes everything easier.
_
And a name change, should I want to do it, is
_
actually possible without a legal gender change
_
(you're just, kinda... A man named Lena (in my
_
case), as far as the system thinks, with the
_
girliests ID-card pic possible, which is pretty
_
funny, and also pretty enby), if I wanted to do
_
that.) Anyway, speaking of biological changes:
_
* Boobs. They're NOT a problem. In fact, I quite like
_
mine! Wait, mine? An AMAB with natural boobs???
_
Well... Because of the same questionable dietary
_
choices I mentioned earlier, I may have given my kid
_
self some amount of HRT (lolmao). So now I have some
_
small boobs. And I like them! This is another gender
_
euphoria source. But it used to be a source of
_
gender dysphoria(????). I'm not sure if this is the
_
right word. I don't think they „felt like a tumour”,
_
like Infatheline described in the video I linked
_
somewhere above (the one about intersex). So in that
_
sense, this wasn't dysphoria. But they were a source
_
of insecurity, which meant that I was discomforted
_
by them (and, well, a softer and broader definition
_
of gender dysphoria is discomfort caused by
_
(not-)having some gendered body part(s)). I was
_
insecure because I used to be bullied by my primary
_
school „friend” group (that's how long ago it was)
_
because of those boobs, relentlessly. They at some
_
point just completely switched to using feminine
_
grammatical gender about me, and I FUCKING HATED
_
this. This is the „gender-related trauma [of primary
_
school]” that I mentioned far above in that outdated
_
section. It got me ULTRA-defensive about any
_
masculinity I could scrounge up from the depths of
_
my mind. I used to have a cute girl skin in
_
Minecraft? NOPE, CLEAR THAT, RESET TO DEFAULT!
_
before ever playing with them on online-mode servers
_
(thankfully, one of them was a filthy pirate (Srsly,
_
ik that „If buying isn't owning, piracy isn't
_
stealing”, but Minecraft? Minecraft Java especially,
_
because at the time it was a separate purchase, is
_
like... One of the most „you own it” games!) at the
_
time, so I had a long grace period of offline-mode
_
servers). And the default was Alex (because that
_
skin used the Alex model, and resetting the skin
_
back then (there was no fancy skin picker menu in Ye
_
Olde Days of the Minecraft Launcher) would only
_
reset the texture to your model's default, not the
_
model itself), and OF COURSE they bullied me for
_
that (because it's a „girl-skin”), too (any „Guys,
_
it's just Jeb's self-insert! Not a woman!” didn't
_
work). This also probably stopped me from messing
_
around with my gender at all, suppressing any „What
_
if I'm not cis?”-thoughts, and any other form of
_
exploration, for YEARS to come (my egg initially
_
cracked only sometime during the summer vacation
_
between highschool and uni). Even using womanly
_
skins/characters in games was off the table (even if
_
that's something I used to do (not as any „gender
_
exploration”, I was too young for that - just like
_
my Minecraft skin that I had to unset, I simply
_
liked my games better that way - which looking back
_
is a huge pink-blue-white flag) before I even
_
discovered Minecraft or had that group; on all the
_
random DOS games (to clarify, I'm not as old as DOS,
_
but my dad had a very old laptop) that I used to
_
play with my dad (and I remember being disappointed
_
that in some of them (I remember a military
_
flightsim one) picking a girl wasn't an option);
_
also, in Minecraft specifically, even after I got
_
bullied off Alex and made my own skin, I spent like
_
3min. on saying „Guys, I swear! That red on my legs
_
are SHORT PANTS! This is NOT a skirt!! NO, DON'T
_
THINK THAT!!!” on a video (I used to have your
_
typical kid-let's-play YT channel at the time) where
_
I revealed it). Gotta HOLD any masculinity I can
_
grab onto! I was, well, traumatized (that's like,
_
the very definition). And also, I think, I was still
_
somehow leaning a bit fem in all of this (Why'd I
_
spend 3min. talking about a part of my skin not
_
being a skirt, if it didn't cross my mind that it
_
might be one? Or, if I was actually scared of it,
_
why would I not just change it? Did I want it,
_
perhaps?), just maybe subconsciously. ANYWAY... I am
_
now pleased with my boobs. They went from a source
_
of maybe-dysphoria-depending-on-the-definition, to a
_
minor, but pleasant, source of gender euphoria. But
_
what if HRT makes them bigger? Well... My mum has
_
huge. If I have the same genes, mine may also be. I
_
know that the size of the booba is coded
_
genetically, and HRT only lets them grow to the size
_
that they were „destined” to be. If mine already
_
reached the size that they were supposed to have,
_
back when I HRT'd myself with food on accident -
_
great! But if they still have some capacity to grow
_
(say... to a similar size as my mum), and were eg.
_
only restricted in the past because I was still a
_
kid, then, uhhhh...... Then I have a problem. Not
_
even because I wouldn't want them! Bigger? Smaller?
_
The same? All are fine! But because it gets very
_
difficult to hide them. And hide them I'd have to,
_
probably from my parents. At least for some time. If
_
I'm coming out, I'm coming out on my own terms,
_
goddammit! Not because my mum thought the weight
_
loss isn't working because - even if my body weight
_
is dropping - my „fat pouches” keep getting bigger,
_
and ends up confronting me about this, and I'm
_
forced into a difficult discussion on a spot.
_
One more thing...
_
In the intro to this section, I quoted-with-emphasis a
_
part of the intro the the article: „Yea... Okay. I'm
_
agender. Aw, shit.”
_
Why is there an „Aw, shit.”? Well... In just wanna
_
live, man..... Is that too much to ask for? In the
_
current sociopolitical climate, being any kind of
_
gender-queer is much harder than it was in, like,
_
2010-2024-ish. And yes, I'm saying this as a Pole, who
_
at that time was under the right-wing PiS party. I'm
_
also aware that I included Trump's 1st presidency in
_
there, for anyone USA-brained. I really think that
_
neither was that bad. PiS obviously didn't like queer
_
people, but their biggest controversies surrounding
_
queers were LGBT-free-zones in some cities, that were
_
a complete flop, impossible to enforce in any legal
_
way (like... for context, this wasn't a law or
_
anything; one day, signs just randomly popped up, with
_
about as much legal backing as „please turn the lights
_
off” in a restroom), got mocked by every media agency
_
under the sun, and then got Streisand Effected into
_
becoming gay gathering places. Across the pond,
_
corporations weren't nearly as much on Trump's side as
_
they are now. He even got banned from Twitter of all
_
places, mind you! Basically, the real cultural
_
discourse was dominated by rainbows, in spite of some
_
dumb politicians being upsetti-spaghetti about it. And
_
yes, I know, it was all fake. Liberal consultants, not
_
real queer people, advising corporations how to market
_
themselves, to earn some more dollars from they gays.
_
And the advice they gave eventually led to their own
_
demise. Instead of trying to listen and sincerely
_
respond to concerns that some politically- and
_
socially-oblivious people may have had, they
_
„cancelled”, slandered, and silenced any criticism,
_
even if it stemmed from genuine confusion, not malice.
_
Because honest discourse and education is expensive
_
and hard, and doesn't bring in much revenue - whereas
_
bombastically banning another person from PayPal for
_
questionable stuff said 30 years ago is cheap, and
_
gives you a ton of publicity as „the good guys” (and
_
the money follows). But once you alienate enough
_
people from their previous online spaces, they find
_
each other, and make their own new ones. And this is
_
how you get the incel movement on 4Chan, stickers on
_
gym lockers inviting you to join some pro-Russia
_
propaganda group on Telegram (real thing I saw IRL),
_
and far-right militia chats on Discord and WhatsApp
_
that the outside world has no control over. And then
_
they organize in those spaces. And get mobilized to
_
vote. All the while, the consultants chant „lalala, I
_
can't hear you; here, Kamala, talk about the
_
Opportunity Economy on a random podcast that nobody
_
heard of until we made you appear there” with their
_
fingers stuck into their ears. And suddenly, it turns
_
out that Le Penn almost wins in France, Poland may be
_
under a liberal coalition for now but the fascistic
_
brown-shirts (no, really, the Polish Crown
_
(pro-Russian neo-fascist) party leader is literally
_
called George Brown; brilliant writing as always,
_
Kojima) are polling at 12% (not to mention the
_
Confederacy (normal far-right) which will likely enter
_
the next government), AfD wins zwei Landen ins ze row,
_
and Trump gets re-elected despite being convicted on
_
multiple crimes (not in this exact chronological
_
order). Anyway, back on track... All of this would be
_
still bearable, if the social discourse was on our
_
side, like it was before. If those morons somehow won,
_
and then got instantly clowned on by everyone, like
_
Trump during his first term. It may have been fake,
_
but at least it made us safe. But it no longer is on
_
our side. All those fuckass consultants that caused
_
this mess to begin with, now noticed that
_
right-leaning voters are more ripe for ripping off
_
(because they're so on the rise, and also because
_
they're very dumb), so all the news and social media
_
companies that moderate and control our social
_
discourse are now on the far-right's side (or went
_
even fully under its control, eg. Xitter is now owned
_
by Musk). We have noone but each other. And this is
_
fucking terrifying. That's why I said „Aw, shit.” when
_
I came to the conclusion that I'm queer. This world is
_
toxic to us, and I picked the worst possible moment to
_
uncover my queerness. But it is who I am, and I'm not
_
letting any mentally-deficient tangerine force me into
_
hiding. Fuck that. I am Lena „Guzio” Guzek, and I am
_
agender+genderfluid. (See, you thought that this goes
_
into „why fem presentation isn't happening soon”, but
_
look again! It's a separate subsection („One more
_
thing...”). And it's about why I WON'T back off (*at
_
least long-term, previous caveats still apply). Hah!
_
Got your ass!)
_
_
This is the end of the article, thank you for reading
_
it!
_
I may very well update it in the future, as my
_
transition/discovery progresses / as I mentally
_
navigate the cognitive dissonance of my hatred towards
_
corporate-consultant-stinking Woke#1 that (along with
_
Epstein's 4Chan - TODO: Make an article about my
_
little „Epstein used 4Chan to invent the alt-right”
_
conspiracy theory) led to the raise of the far-right,
_
and the nostalgia for the queer-safety of that time /
_
if I notice any points that I hinted at referring to
_
(eg. „read on” or „but that's for later”), but ended
_
up not addressing. I'll probably make them as new
_
posts, tho (this one now takes 20s+ to generate) -
_
I'll of course link them from here if/once they
_
arrive. Thank you for staying 'till the end, and I
_
hope I didn't bore you to death.
_
See you in a better world we make.
_